Ladies and Gentlemen, the bets are in! The bookies are closed! It’s time for:
Christmas Villains’ Grudge Match
Henry F. Potter vs. The Grinch!
It’s all come down this! Here, tonight, at the recently christened “Rudolph Memorial Action Dome” here in the heart of the North Pole, only a stone’s throw away from Santa’s fabled workshop, do our two returning champions meet to decide, once and for all, who is the nastiest, meanest, and dirtiest old humbug of the holiday season. It’s a jam-packed crowd tonight… strange that all the elves were given the night off so soon before Christmas; their little, sparkly eyes filled with anticipation and bloodlust. I don’t believe they’ll be disappointed if the last two bouts are anything to go by. What with the forced suicide of Ebeneezer Scrooge and the “death by Courtney Love philosophy” suffered by the Abominable Snow Monster of the North, all we are left with is two bloodthirsty contenders who’ll stop at nothing to achieve the crown!
As we have previously brought you interviews with tonight’s contenders, tonight we thought we’d have a word with the bout’s referee. Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight we bring you a rare interview with, the one and only, SANTA CLAUS!
We caught up with Santa Claus in the Merry Castle earlier this afternoon and asked his views and tonight’s bout.
Q: Santa, Santa? Could we have a quick word please?
A: Yeah, yeah, but not too long, alright. We’re way behind on toy production, I’ve got three elves down with the clap, and the reindeers are being inoculated for hoof-and-mouth. I tell you, the crap we go through each year for those rotten, little condom-busts and…
Q: Uh… Santa, when the red light’s on, we’re recording…
A: What? Oh, my goodness! [Clears throat] Ho-ho-ho! Merry Christmas, all you darling little kiddies out there! Ho-ho-ho! [Quietly] Can you edit that last part out?
Q: No problem. First of all, Santa, I’d like to know why you graciously volunteered to officiate this bout. The King of Christmas calling a fight between two known enemies of the holiday seems a bit strange.
A: Well, what the fu… heck else was I gonna’ do? The elves got unionized and told me they were going to the fight! Told ME, mind you! Once upon a time, I was in charge around here! I called the shots! Elves cowered and kowtowed at the sight of my shadow at the door! Step out of line and SLAM… the reindeers got a little something extra in their feed that night! Then that union elf showed up and got the whole crew all stirred up with a lot of fancy speeches. I thought an unfortunate accident would solve everything, but he was more powerful than he ever…
Q: Uh… Santa… the red light…
A: Oh, is that thing still on? You can cut all that out, right? Anyway, with production down for an hour, there was no reason not to go. Besides, I’ve heard what’s been going on at the previous fights and I thought I might be able to help things along.
Q: You mean to cut down on all the dirty tricks?
A: To make sure that these two finish each other. Don’t you realize what we’ve got here? These four loonies have been a thorn in my ass for too long, and now there are only two left! They tell me that there’ll only be one left! Well, why settle for just one left? I’ve got a feeling that I can rid Christmas of its two biggest pains in one fell swoop! Hey, you see that lady elf over there? Hey, honey, don’t forget that Santa wants to get into your stocking, later!
Q: Uh… Santa…
A: What? Is that thing still on?
Q: Is Christmas going to be cancelled now that Rudolph has gone to that “stable in the sky”?
A: If it is, I’ll be the first one to cheer. I’ve had enough of this stupid job! And Rudolph wasn’t so damn amazing when you get right down to it. A drunk, that’s what he was! How else do you think he got his nose to shine like that? He’d put away six bottles of bourbon on Christmas Eve and then stagger over to the sled team. He once vomited over Israel! “Manna from Heaven” they said! If they only knew…
Q: But he will be missed, won’t he?
A: Sure, he will. He was the tenderest one of the bunch! We haven’t had a dinner like him in years!
Q: Uh… Santa…
A: Hey, did you hear the one about the blonde, lady elf with the huge… [Interview interrupted at this point, just because we couldn’t take it anymore. Those masochists among you who want to read the rest of it are hereby directed to http://www.Santas101dirtyelfjokes.com, but we felt the need to take a shower afterwards. You’ve been forewarned.]
And here we are again, waiting for the bout to start. Santa Claus, in full uniform, strides to the center of the ring and makes the announcement.
“Ladies & Gentlemen, from the east entrance, the challenger! He been called the “Why” amongst the Whos, the horror of Whoville, the green grouch! Does it matter if his shoes are too tight or his head isn’t screwed on quite right? He’s mean and he’s green! He’s the GRRRRINNNNCCCCCCHHHHHHHH-AH!”
And the Grinch enters from the east entrance, bobbing and weaving. He looks to be in perfect condition. He’s been training hard for… but what’s this? Before The Grinch is even halfway to the ring, Santa is striding up to the mike and making the next announcement.
“And the champion, the one to beat! Maybe he can’t walk, but he can float like a butterfly and sting like a bee! He’s the Bedford Falls Bastard! The Crucifying Cripple! The oldest and most miserable man on Earth. No, it’s not Dick Cheney! It’s HENRY… F… POTTTTTTEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRR-AH!
The Grinch stops in his tracks as he watches Potter being wheeled out from the west entrance. Potter is shadow boxing in his chair as his creepy assistant pushes him down the aisle. This has been a major break from tradition. The Grinch has been left in the middle of the aisle and he doesn’t like it one bit! Well, this little break in decorum…
But what’s this? The Grinch is a lot more upset than we first realized! He’s leaping over the seats and the pointy hats of the elf audience, quick and as nimble as a Who dodging flying reindeer vomit, and leaps right on top of Potter! Ladies and Gentlemen, the bout has started and it hasn’t even gotten as far as the ring yet! Potter’s chair has been overturned and the Grinch is stomping the back of Potter’s neck! The only sound in the dome is the rather sinister “Ho-Ho-Ho” rising from the depths of the center of the ring. Oh, Santa’s nefarious plan has just started, I can see now. I find it sad that the word “nefarious” can be used in the same sentence with “Santa”, but there it is! Oh, where is the Christmas spirit when you need it? All I can see is the Grinch pummeling Potter as Potter’s creepy assistant…
I can’t believe what I’m seeing! I’ll try to keep reporting to these events as long as… My God! Potter’s creepy assistant is tearing at his own face and… it looks as if… he’s been wearing a latex mask the entire time! I can’t believe it! He tears the mask and a wig off to reveal himself to be… HENRY F. POTTER! Why didn’t I notice those strings hanging from the dummy Potter this entire time? Ladies and Gentlemen, Potter can walk and he’s pissed off like you wouldn’t believe! He’s been waiting for this moment for a long time. A gasp explodes from the audience as the Grinch looks up from the Potter dummy and sees the actual contender for the crown! The Grinch’s false sense of security properly lulled, he cowers at the sight of the actual Potter lunging towards him. Potter lumbers like Frankenstien’s wet dream towards the skulking Grinch, his arms extended and… with a cry of “Go Go, Potter, circular saws” his hands suddenly retract and a pair of whirling circular saws extend from his wrists! Ladies and Gentlemen, no wonder Potter never reformed by the end of It’s A Wonderful Life! He’s a…terminator! He lumbers towards the Grinch, death looming in his eyes as the shrieking, piercing cries of hysterical “Ho-Ho-Ho”’s fill the dome. The Grinch tries to crawl backwards but it looks bad for him. The terminator Potter continues to lunge forward…
Suddenly, the Grinch looks over into the audience. By an extraordinary coincidence, little Cindy-Lou Who (no more than two, so you pervs in the back better clear out of here) is sitting in the audience. In her hands she holds a cup of water. Could this be the famous cup of water that The Grinch gave her so long ago in that tale that made him famous? Apparently, he’s betting on it because he snatches Little Cindy-Lou Who’s cup away and throws it into Potter’s face! My God! That cup was filled with sulfuric acid all this time, and not tap-water as we were led to believe! Ohhhh, you’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch! Lucky for Little Cindy-Lou Who that she never drank it and lucky for the Grinch as well because the acid has splashed all over the face of the terminator Potter and a noxious gas rises from the formally threatening figure! A screech of agony shoots through the dome, drowning out the sinister “Ho-Ho-Ho”’s, as the terminator Potter falls backwards, his hands clawing at the melted remains of synthetic skin that covered the now-smelted metallic skull that once housed the cyborg brain of Potter! The Grinch sees his advantage! He scamper towards the dissolving cyborg…
And suddenly the entire crowd is on it’s feet. The elf and who audience suddenly start singing a Christmas Carol. “Christmas time is in our grasp, as long as we have hands to clasp,” is the rallying cry of the day as the Grinch, true to form, suddenly stops and thinks a thought he never thought before. Maybe Christmas isn’t all about killing and maiming and bludgeoning your opponent into a mass of tooth and boney tissue. Maybe, just maybe, Christmas means a little bit more.
As the audience watches the Grinch’s heart grow three sizes, a cry of, “No, you Green Bastard! Die like the dog you are,” rises from the ring! Santa Claus, banking on the two contenders destroying each other, appears a little miffed that one is going to be left standing to see tomorrow’s sunrise. He leaps over the ropes and charges the Grinch – his eyes how they blaze, his dimples flushed badly, his cheeks are on fire, his nose flaring madly – he charges to dispatch this final opponent of holiday joy and a peace with… my goodness, he’s pulled out an AK-47! It looks like the end for our friend the Grinch!
But what’s this? The know-it-all mouse from Twas The Night Before Christmas animated special suddenly steps forward from the audience! “Dear sirs,” he says, “Santa Claus is a fraudulent myth…” This unbeliever is too much for Santa, stopping him in his tracks! His eyes roll up as he seems to be sinking into the floor. A strange, foul-smelling puddle is forming underneath… my God, he’s melting! Like Frosty in a microwave, Santa sinks into the carpet with a cry of, “What a world, what a world, how could you destroy my precious, evil, jolly mask! One more lady elf for the road, just oonnnnnneeee!” And in a whiff of smoke that smells suspiciously like reindeer farts, the last bit of Santa liquefies into the carpeting, leaving a disheveled red hat and suit behind.
The whole room explodes into a frenzy of hollering, cheering and singing! The know-it-all mouse asks for Santa’s broomstick to hand over to the Wizard of Oz and his wish, quite reaching beyond every logical bound of this already convoluted and multi-novel spanning tale, is granted. In lieu of a proper referee, Hermie the elf (the only person in authority… he’s a dentist so everyone is afraid of him) jumps up, snags the mic, and makes the announcement.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, the winner of tonight’s bout by knockout, the new champion humbug, and the new Santa Claus, I give you… The GRRRRRINNNCHHHHHH-AH!”
The crowd is on its feet as The Grinch is awarded the sacred key to the lady elves’s locker room, the symbol of authority at the North Pole. Yes, all you kiddies out there, The Grinch is the new Santa Claus!
That’s about all for us here tonight, so on behalf of WXMAS – the network that still thinks Perry Como can carry a tune – have a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, and keep an eye on the skies for the jolly, green Santa Grinch who’ll be there to bring Christmas joy to all good little girls and boys (but lock up the roast beast just in case; you never know when this guy is gonna’ have a relapse.)
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!